An extensive study of police body cam video reels posted to Facebook during the summer of 2025 has yielded the following about traffic stops:

You know you are in trouble when the officer asks you to step out of the vehicle. This request an be made in a number of different ways, from a friendly appeal to a barked order, but it turns out to be nonnegotiable. You can exit willingly or not. If you select the not option, they will be pulling your body from the car like a sweet little shucked oyster, and down on your belly you’ll go, face pressed to the sidewalk, with your arms pinned behind your back.

You should not have been drinking, or have expired tags, or have lately sideswiped several cars in the Target parking lot and gaily driven away. Likewise, do not have a suspended license or priors of any kind. You should also not have just ridden up over your neighbor’s lawn and taken out his porch with your front end.

A word on field sobriety tests. There are several. Stand with your feet together, arms by your sides. Please follow the tip of this pen with your eyes without moving your head. Next, walk nine heel-to-toe steps forward, then turn around and walk nine back. You’ll also be standing on one foot and counting aloud one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand until I tell you to stop. Realize that if the officer asks you to agree to do these tests, he or she believes you are going to fail them.

When you fail them, they will impound your car, and while the tow truck is coming they will “take an inventory” of its interior. No, they do not need a warrant to do this. Because you are already in cuffs, sitting in the back seat of the cruiser, you will have no say in the matter. Please do not have any material in the car that will incriminate you further, such as multiple half-full bottles of vodka, or a box of hypodermic needles, or miscellaneous pill containers rattling around in your purse, or a locked pouch stuffed suspiciously under the passenger seat that is discovered to contain a semi-automatic handgun and a loaded magazine.

These people wearing badges are dealing with daily human craziness you have never imagined. They have seen it all. Assume their behavior is influenced by good law-enforcement training, delusions of messianic power, and vast unresolved personal trauma, unevenly distributed. Many of them are just trying to stay alive. Don’t argue. Give them your ID and proof of insurance. Do not make jokes. All the evidence indicates that it is not their job to be your friend.

Other tips:

• Do not be female or male or any other gender.
• Do not have brown skin or an accent.
• Do not be hysterical or surly or say “I am afraid to get out of the car.”
• Do not be living in your car, for heaven’s sake.
• Do not be a single parent with a baby in the back in a carseat.
• Do not ask “What did I do?”
• Do not roll up the window, shift your car into drive, and flee at high speed. They will chase you, and everything will get much worse. They are much better drivers than you are.
• Do not say “Wait, I have to call my mother.”
• Do not say “Really, bro?”
• Do not say “I know my rights.” No, you don’t. At the moment, you have no rights except the right to remain silent.